I mentioned in my post yesterday that I’m participating in Hanna Marcotti’s Spirits of Joy ecourse this month. I’ve enjoyed the first two days of prompts, and getting the chance to explore and create and heal.
Healing always comes in ways we don’t expect it though. I expect to receive some healing and release from going through the prompts. I also expect to have some healing from my writing here, and honestly from the responses I receive about my writing here and on facebook. It’s why I’m doing this all, it’s intentional and that is good. Wanting and moving to healing space is a challenging place to be, and it’s a good place too. It’s scary. It takes a certain kind of bravery to plow into the Unsayable, the deep primal pains that are embedded in all our souls. It takes a very special kind of bravery to make one’s self vulnerable to that primal pain, and to share it with others, to share that deeply personal and terrifying path.
It’s very vulnerable for me to admit, to acknowledge, that I am brave. It’s scary. I can sense the eye rolls out there when some people read this. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this, the vulnerability, giving others the ability to hurt me.
A part of my newly acknowledged bravery is exploring my expression of myself. When I was in high school I had a fascination with gypsy-style. This was in the late 80s, “new wave” was alternative and I was part of the eclectic punk rock scene of my hometown. I loved the look of flowing skirts and shirts, boots and lots of jewelry. It expressed freedom. It expressed beauty. It expressed a kind of wholeness I can’t really put into words. I always wanted to explore that fashion statement, but never really did. I dabbled. But I had a lot of other things to worry about back then, and changing my fashion statement just wasn’t a priority.
That was over 20 years ago. I’m now 40, turning 41 in just days. I am still drawn to the gypsy-style. Still drawn to ever flowing skirts and shirts, the beautiful jewelry (and lots of it), and the boots… oh the boots! It’s hard for me to acknowledge this need for self expression through my clothes and jewelry. I mean, really, I’m an adult, the negative piece of me says. “Reinventing” yourself is silly. That’s what people do who aren’t happy with their life, and I love my life.
So here’s where my bravery comes in. 🙂
Yesterday part of Hannah Marcotti’s post was about Malas. I’d never heard of Malas before, so it was a great unschooling experience 😉 For those of you who may not know, they are Hindu or Budist prayer necklaces. They are beautiful. But what got me inspired to move with bravery, was the necklaces and Malas that Hannah was wearing in her video.
This morning, I decided to be brave. I’m wearing four necklaces and two bracelets. And my usual three small hoops in my ears – two on the right, one on the left. I tried changing my earrings too, but it didn’t look or feel right. Of course I’m wearing my wedding band and engagement ring too. I should note that typically the only jewelry I wear is my rings and my little hoop earrings. I rarely, bordering on never, wear bracelets or necklaces. So wearing this much jewelry, and just around the house, is something new and exciting and feels so right, right now, in this space and moment.
Three of those necklaces were my birthmom’s: the opal (which is actually my birthstone), the blue stone and the gold knots. I remember the gold knots and the opal from when I was pretty young and mom worked as an Avon representative. The pearl necklace my dad made for me for my wedding. His intention was for me to wear them on my wedding day, but then he learned that I was wearing some jewelry of my maternal grandma’s and didn’t give me the necklace (and matching earrings) until the night before my wedding day. I’m taking on the strength of the necklaces that were my mom’s and I am making them my own. I’m taking on the healing that will happen in my relationship with my father and keeping it close to my heart.
The turquoise bracelet was my mom’s and the pink prayer bracelet was my maternal grandmothers. They just feel right on my left wrist.
The colors all represent my current color story – the colors I most identify with and am drawn to right now. My color story palette is a little broader that what is shown above – think of the colors in a peacock’s tail feathers. The greens, purplish and black I’m wearing on my eyes in make up. I’m wearing what I’m drawn to, what speaks to me. I’m wearing what expresses who I am right here, right now. It’s a part of my path to healing, to wholeness.