Hello there. I’ve been on an unintentional hiatus – papers needed to be (and one still needs to be!) written for school, I started a new job, and well life in general has just been busy. A lot of change to our schedule and how are family functions during the day has occurred because of this new part-time job and it’s taking a little more than I expected for me to adjust and adapt.
This seems to be a theme for me – me taking longer to heal, taking longer to adapt, than I expect. Something to explore, in the quiet moments when I can be gentle with myself. Perhaps I’ll write about that exploration, perhaps not.
Today however, today is a day of discovery for me. Of transformation. Of acceptance. Of realization. Of fitting in my skin. It’s a day where I heard my soul sing, and I’m smiling and glowing from feeling it.
The last two weeks I have been writing papers for my psychopathology and ethics courses. I have another paper due for my Crisis & Trauma course this coming weekend. I’ve been focused on writing those papers, which took away time for my writing here. At first I was very frustrated that I wasn’t able to write here, to express some of my deeper soul, to examine myself a bit further, to understand and share myself with you, hoping maybe we could all find some healing in my words. This frustration started to consume me, I was looking at the papers to be written for school with resentment. As something I had to do. Not a joyful place to be.
At some point I tapped myself on the shoulder and reminded myself why I’m in school. What the work is I want to do. Writing papers is part of that path, and I may as well embrace it instead of resist it. Why resent something that is getting me closer to doing what my soul is calling me to do?
So I started my paper for the psychopathology course. I read all the articles, took all my notes and wrote. Honestly, it felt like the paper wrote itself. Once I accepted that this is part of my path, once I embraced this part of the journey, it all flowed easily. I submitted that paper and then started on the one for the ethics course, and to my surprise, it started to write itself too and –the biggest surprise– I was truly enjoying the process. I was enjoying writing an academic paper. I was writing and I felt good.
Both papers were submitted without my usual anxiety. Typically I am terrified to almost immobility when it comes time to submit papers. Writing them is fine, but handing them over for judgement, ack! I’m not good with that. Even my academic writing holds a piece of me and my soul in it, and giving it to someone to judge… it brings up all the fear, all the “I’m not good enough” all my lack of value and worth myths.
None of that came up this time.
I was driving into work this morning and thinking about this shift for me. Why this shift? Where did it come from? Why did I enjoy writing those papers so much? Why do I enjoy writing for this blog? I’ve enjoyed writing since I was young, I’ve always known that. Yet this feels different. It feels more. It’s deeper than simply enjoying writing. I need to write. It is my creative outlet. Writing is how I share myself with the world. Writing is how I share myself with me.
Then I heard my soul sing these words, and I felt them vibrate through my being and I knew the simple truth in them: I am a writer.
I’ve never before today had that thought. I’ve played with the idea through the years, sure. It always felt pretentious though, reminded me of people who claim to be someone or something they really aren’t. I don’t have the Great American Novel in me, so how can I call myself a writer? I have no aspirations of being famous or published by one of the big publishing houses, so how can I call myself a writer?
I can call myself a writer because that’s what my soul sang to me. Because I know how writing makes my whole being feel. Writing is not just my outlet, it is me. Words on paper or screen, pouring from my mind and heart.
Even my marriage is based on writing. When my husband and I started dating, he lived in Texas and I lived in Washington. It was 1997, we met on an IRC channel (that’s internet-relay-chat for you young ones ;), and most of our communication was via text – either private messages on IRC or email. We talked on the phone too, but the majority of our communication that year was via words. Still to this day, some of our best communication with each other is via email and text messages.
How could I not have seen this part of my soul before – rather, how could I not have acknowledged it? Fear. Fear stopped me from listening. Fear stopped me from feeling. Instead of allowing the fear to paralyze me I am acknowledging it, embracing it, and then letting it go.
This is transformation. Listening to our soul – hearing it, feeling it – when it sings to us. This is what healing is all about.