Find a new way. A better way. Your way. The unknown, uncharted path through this wild new world that allows you – yourself in your uniqueness – to reclaim the full measure of your true nature.
– Martha Beck
The above quote has been sitting around in my head for weeks now. It’s been reinforced the last few days in some work I have been doing around a business idea I have. To be myself. To be true to me. To not pretend or try to be any one else. To lose the safety nets and risk entering the unknown.
To dare to be true to my soul.
Scary shit. Seriously.
When my husband and I made the decision for me to walk away from my successful career to save my sanity, to save our marriage, to save my life, we didn’t know what the future held for us beyond financial ruin. Still, I took the relatively safe route, and I didn’t just walk away from my career and firm, I stepped into a different role, a part-time role, where I was still making enough money for us to be comfortable. We had to make some sacrifices, some of them huge, and still, we lived comfortably.
I needed that time to rest. To figure out what my soul was calling me to do. To hear her tiny whispers of what I’ve known since I was 14.
I couldn’t figure it out though. I couldn’t figure out how I would go back to school, work, unschool our daughter all at once. I couldn’t see beyond our comfort level. I was terrified of that giant of a leap. I knew what my soul is called to do, and I was still not letting her do it.
The choice was taken away from me a little over a year after I went part-time. I was laid off. When I left the office that day, after I had packed up all my things, I drove away and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I literally felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, like I had just been slammed in the chest and stomach. I was gasping, tears streaming down my face as I drove away from comfort and what I knew into the unknown.
Within a couple months of the lay-off I was accepted into the graduate program of my choice, ready to start the following fall. My soul was singing. We could get by on my unemployment, pay for school with my cashed out stock options and 401k. All was good.
Until my unemployment benefits ran out and we had a $3000+ mechanic bill to pay that ate up all our savings, the 401k and stock spent on tuition and books and some luxuries.
I had promised myself when I recovered emotionally from the lay-off that I wasn’t going to work in another job that didn’t make my heart sing.
I broke that promise. My soul is withering with the pain of that broken promise. I’m exhausted to my bones, not having the energy to focus on school or my business plan or my daughter or my husband. I cry most every day because I find no joy in my work. It’s little solace that it is buying us groceries.
A few days ago my husband told me to quit my job. I’ve only been working at it for three weeks. I tell myself it will get better. I’ll find a groove. I’ll find the joy in knowing I’m providing for my family. I told him no, I wouldn’t quit.
My soul cried out that day. I told her to grow up and deal with reality and that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.
Wait. What? Our life as unschoolers has been all about doing what makes us joyful. About understanding we have choices. Understanding every decision we make, every single thing we do is a choice. We don’t have to do a damn thing.
As these things go, the decision has been taken out of my hands again, partially. My husband received a promotion which means a shift change which means, probably, I won’t be able to go to my job anyhow. At least not five days a week like I have been.
What I realized today however is the importance of making the choice myself. The importance of not waiting to see what my husband’s shift will be to see if I can make this job work. I need to stop and say, I choose faith.
I choose faith in the universe. I choose faith that I am on the right path. I choose faith knowing we have everything we need, as long as we have each other.
Choosing faith is scary as hell.
I’m not good with unknowns. I’m not good without plans. I start to panic and get scared and lash out and push everyone away. I need safety nets and security. Or at least, I think I do.
What I need is to trust my husband. To know that he can provide for us. To know that he loves me and believes in me. Believes in us.
What I need is to trust the Universe. To know we, my little family, will make it through. To know yes, times may be tough financially now, but dear God, look at the beautiful life we have together. To move out of this sense of lack I’ve found myself in again and back into the sense of abundance we’ve felt for the last couple years.
We haven’t had our beautiful life for three weeks. We’ve had misery because I’ve been miserable and making everyone around me miserable too.
I appreciate the Universe stepping in and forcing my hand on this one. Thank you, and I’ve got this. I know what I have to do. And I don’t have to do it. I choose to.
I choose to listen to my soul. I choose to let my heart sing. I choose our beautiful life. I choose not to let fear destroy what we have fought so hard for.
I cannot control everything. Life happens. Horrible things like cancer happen. Families fall to pieces every single day. People let their souls shrivel up and die in the name of providing, in the name of protection, in the name of safety.
Today I choose to be vulnerable. Today I choose to put faith in my path.
I’m scared as hell. And I feel the heaviness that has been on my chest for almost a month now lift. This is the right choice.
I choose abundance. I choose beauty. I choose to let my heart sing.