I’ve been stuck in a sense of lack for over a month. I’ve been cranky to just about everyone in my path. My heart has not been soft or open or warm – it’s been hard, closed and cold. I haven’t really connected with my husband or my daughter. Heck, I haven’t connected to myself.
I’ve been stuck in the sense of lack and in fear. I’ve let the terror of my childhood rear its ugly head and convince me that I am the only one who can keep me safe, I am the only one who can provide for me, it is all up to me to keep everything in balance.
What a load of crap. I listened to it and believed it. I continued to shrivel up and believe it more and as I became more miserable, so did those around me.
I figured it out though. Well I figured out that I was lying to myself if I thought I had no one else who could help keep me safe, who could provide for me, who could help me keep in balance.
I’ve recently been introduced to the idea of blessings. Sending out some love and appreciation to those who inspire me, those who provide for me, those who keep me safe and sane. Sometimes those blessings go to strangers, sometimes they go to people very close and sometimes to those who are somewhere in between. We are all connected. We all influence each other, in positive or negative ways, every moment of every day. What we put out there, we do indeed get back. If we wholly, honestly and deeply give love, we will receive it, if we are open to it. It is brave to give love and blessings, it puts us in a very vulnerable place to let others know how important they are to us, to share the beauty we see in them. Yet brave we must be.
Inspired by a mentor and a best friend (two different people by the way) I’ve decided to send out blessings every day. They will go out in different ways to different people, some quietly, some loudly. I’ve sent out a few blessings already today and it is amazing how I have almost immediately been blessed in return, from different places. Now I’m going to send out some blessing here, to introduce you to the amazing people I am blessed to have in my life.
1. My husband. He doesn’t have a website anymore, so you can’t “meet” him. Trust me when I say this man has saved my life in more ways than I can ever count. The love he gives me, even when I’m at my worst, is beautiful and true and pure. I am so blessed to have him by my side, as my companion and my champion. He keeps me safe, he provides for our family. He makes my heart sing in ways I never knew possible.
2. One of my daughter’s godmothers, Michelle Smith-Lewis. She’s truly been the big sister I didn’t have. I love her and I love that I can go months without calling her or talking to her and when I need her to suddenly come with to a doctor’s appointment because Nick can’t, she drops everything and is there by my side. She literally knows me inside and out (she’s seen my liver!) and I am so grateful for her. (Also, she’s a rock-star photographer, and I have amazing family photos – including our daughter’s birth – as well as other photographic art pieces by her around our home to prove it.)
3. My partner in radical unschooling crime, Chessa. I thank the heavens for the day I decided to host a preschool playgroup for our local homeschool community and she walked into my home. She’s one of those people who just gets me, who I don’t have to explain myself to, who knows where I’m coming from. She gently guides me to look deeper into myself and think about my actions and impact in and on the world. She is amazing and beautiful and multi-faceted and dear gosh, am I blessed to have her by my side. (Also, she’s taught me the importance of dance parties to change the mood of a moment or the day. Seriously. Dance parties rock!!)
4. Chessa introduced me to the truly amazing Hanna Marcotti. I have to be honest and say that when Chessa first started telling me at Hanna I was more than skeptical. Plus, you know, life coaching? Really? I’m in school to be a therapist. Dear gods in the heavens, was I ever wrong!! I’m still on my path, and I see the value of this other path, and specifically in Hannah herself – she brings magic to the world. I mean this from my deepest being. I participated in her Spirits of Joy program last month and it was transformational!!! I’m now in her Community Grace program and after just four days I can again say – transformational!!!
5. Hannah quietly inspired me to acknowledge what I truly want for me and for my new business (more about that new business later). I want to be appreciated. I want to know that what I do matters. It’s amazing how when I admitted that to myself, all of a sudden I felt appreciated by a stranger. I have such gratitude for this woman and she needs to be mentioned here: Carolan Deacon. Carolan left a comment on a post of mine today that brought me to tears, in such a very good way. I read her comment just moments after I had made the decision to definitely quit my job this morning. I had been telling my husband how I hoped that my work would make a difference in the world, that others would appreciate me, my writing, the courses I hope to offer. And Carolan’s comment comes through my email and I just cried. Ask and you shall receive. (Carolan is also an AMAZING singer, you should really check her out!!)
I am grateful for so many people. This is a small list for today. These are a handful of the blessings I will give out today. Other blessing will be quieter. Some will be loud. I am so truly blessed by every single person in my life.
My life is so filled with abundance and light. I’m so glad I am back in this place and can see how truly blessed I am. I’m grateful for the last month of sense of lack. It was a good reminder of how dark life can be when we let the fear take over. A good reminder of how beautiful life can be when we are brave.